Sigh, it’s time to complain again. I hope my blog can have more purely technical content, but it seems difficult. I’ve been feeling some anxiety and unease in the past few days, but I’m not sure where it’s coming from. After thinking for a few days, I realized it’s a somewhat familiar and exhausting topic.
When I joined the company, I used my existing Github account as my work account. To this day, I’m still not sure if it was the right choice. To avoid seeming like I’m criticizing anyone or picking fights, I’ll try to describe the objective facts as much as possible without mixing in my own feelings and experiences. I’ll also avoid writing in a conversational style.
Survival Tip: This blog is just for fun. Don’t associate online comments with real-life people.
Something happened today. I asked three people on WeChat—HR, Marketing, and Testing—about the progress and status of the current project. Later, HR found out and said, “The Marketing person reports directly to so-and-so. Are you crazy? How can you directly ask them? That’s inappropriate.”
Then HR called me into the meeting room and asked if I had any questions or anything I didn’t understand and told me I could ask him directly.
HR said, “Why are you asking the Testing team those questions? You don’t understand what they’re doing anyway.”
HR said, “Just focus on writing your code. Do you need to know so much?”
HR said, “The company’s financing path is clear, the future looks good. If it wasn’t good, I would have left already. What are you worried about? Isn’t everyone here for the same reasons?”
I seriously thought about what my problem is. I figured it out just now and can explain my actions and motives, why I did what I did.
My problem is: What can I do?
Why didn’t I directly ask the technical lead? It’s not that I have nothing to do and am looking for work assignments.
Another way to phrase this question is: What is the upper limit of my abilities?
This question cannot be answered by asking anyone; no one knows except myself, and even I don’t know.
So, to answer this question for myself, I need to understand the entire project situation, including the company’s profit model, market plans, project progress, development pace, etc. Technically, the code is there, and I can look at it myself, but for other aspects, I might need to ask people.
Why do I need to know so much? Isn’t just knowing the technical aspects enough?
Suppose, and I emphasize, suppose, my ability limit is that I can be responsible for the entire project, or even consider the company’s future product direction when there are no projects. This requires judgment based on market plans, revenue status, etc.
Am I overthinking? Should I be worried about these things? Should I even be concerned about these things?
So, I need to assume…
I need to know as much as possible about what I can do and what I cannot do. More importantly, why I cannot do certain things and how big the gap is. This is something only I can judge.
The problem I am facing has actually existed for a long time; it’s just now becoming clear. This problem will not change due to external environments.
Changing jobs solved some old problems but brought some new ones.
The important thing is that solving this problem requires a lot of time and effort.
No matter how practical the specific work is, regarding the problem itself, I am currently only in the stage of understanding the situation and do not hope to or can do anything about it in the short term.
Perhaps because the projects I’ve experienced before were relatively small, I had the confidence to take responsibility for the entire project, of course, referring to the technical aspects from front-end to back-end, from application layer to the underlying layer. Perhaps the previous company granted more authority; we followed the entire project from writing proposals to delivery. And of course, due to work experience, seniority, and interpersonal skills, the company wouldn’t give me direct authority and position.
Recently, I often recall when I proposed to resign, my then-leader said, “If you’re going to a big company or a more secure one, we can only give you our blessings. But… it’s not bad, we’re just afraid you’re making the wrong choice.”
My then-leader said he had interactions with the senior management of my current company. You… (Think it through. He didn’t say it directly, but that might be what he meant.)
A classmate is getting married. I always doubt myself, wondering if I really made the wrong choice.
I’ve been feeling unwell recently and might need to go to the hospital for a checkup after the National Day holiday.
Sigh, I realize there are many things I’m afraid to write down.